THE CURSE OF THE VERDANT CHALICE (PART 1)

Sunday, December 19, 2010 Dr. Frank Robert Silverson

22brigitte / pixabay

"Alcohol enters as an innocuous object of pleasure only to forcefully displace the rationality of once astute men, transmuting them into puerile pawns."                                                                                                                            Frank Robert Silverson


In William Shakespeare’s Othello, the Moore of Venice, Cassio laments: “O God, that men should put an enemy in their mouths to steal away their brains! that we should, with joy, pleasance, revel, and applause, transform ourselves into beasts!” Such is the serious but sometimes funny actions of men who have suffered the curse of the bottle that I present my take on alcoholism; what I call the curse of the verdant chalice.

One unknown author recounts that: “The first thing in the human personality that dissolves in alcohol is dignity.” Irrespective of this statement, people continue to drink without care. This article could not have been timelier considering that the festive season is imminent and the booze is flying off the shelves at a pace that the Concorde never managed in its lifetime.
There are so many reasons that people give to support and justify their views on why they must have a drink. Some have even found scriptures to support why there is nothing wrong with falling for the verdant chalice. An unknown author goes further to suggest that: “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy”.  This is quite a strange suggestion by all accounts. Would it be a surprise if the unknown author (usually deemed to be Benjamin Franklin) was under the influence of the drink to have made such a statement?
There are three groups of people who may be identified when alcoholism is considered: those who are habitual drinkers; those who are social or occasional drinkers; and those who are teetotal. In my observation, the period associated with most drinkers is around a festive period like this. It appears that even the most accomplished teetotal is susceptible to straying in times like these. Mark Twain believes that: “Of the demonstrably wise there are but two:  those who commit suicide, and those who keep their reasoning faculties atrophied by drink.” 
I do not intend to get into a biblical argument about whether we should drink or not drink. This kind of debate is for another time. My focus here is to focus the discussion on alcoholism whiles calling for people to be teetotal if possible as well as advocating moderation for those who need divine intervention to loosen their grips on the verdant chalice.
The harm caused by alcohol is there for all to see and statistics to corroborate this are not farfetched. Alcohol has and continues to adversely affect and strain personal and family relationships. Children of alcoholic parents often suffer from low self-esteem and emotional disorders such as anxiety. The evidence remains that families are being destroyed by this green bottle, not to suggest that all liquor is packaged as such. I believe you would agree that most of our beer sold is normally in green bottles. I therefore use the term ‘green bottle’ or ‘verdant chalice’ to represent alcohol in its entirety. I hope you do not follow Henny Youngman who stated that: “When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading”. I urge you to read through to the end of this article.
The euphoria in a festive period like this has proven a viable recruitment bonanza for new drinkers to the fold. Some people have sought to take advantage of the moment by having a drink in a willy-nilly manner. On the contrary, others have ended up being drunk, aided by the genius collusion employed by friends amongst others.
In office parties amongst others, men and women have displayed such behaviour that could best be described as manifesting the signs of the verdant chalice’s curse. Graham Greene argues that: “Champagne, if you are seeking the truth, is better than a lie detector.  It encourages a man to be expansive, even reckless, while lie detectors are only a challenge to tell lies successfully.” Such people fail to heed to an advice by an unknown author who stated that: “If you wish to keep your affairs secret, drink no wine.” They also forget Samuel Johnson’s caution of a disadvantage of wine: “it makes a man mistake words for thought.” Most drinkers rather subscribe to Robert Louis Stevenson’s view that: “Wine is bottled poetry.”
Alcohol has provided a false sense of confidence to many drinkers leading them to do the unthinkable. It influences the way people behave, causing rather calm people to become more violent and easily agitated. It adversely reduces their mental alertness by dulling the senses and succeeds in altering their perception of situations and surroundings.
Alcohol has been blamed for contributing to promiscuity as people have shed their inhibitions and ended up having one night stands amongst others, increasing their risk of contracting sexually transmitted diseases. It so appears that when people get drunk, their level of shyness appears to go through the door and nearly all things become possible.
In The Piccolomini, Johann Christoph Friedrich von Schiller rightly observed that: “When the wine goes in, strange things come out.”  I am sure you have come across people who under the influence of alcohol, have gone on to do things that they have regretted when they became sober. To George Gordon, drinking is a “mere pause from thinking!” Mignon McLaughlin adds that: “The chief reason for drinking is the desire to behave in a certain way, and to be able to blame it on alcohol.” Oscar Levant also continues the observation by saying that: “I envy people who drink - at least they know what to blame everything on.”
William Shakespeare’s character Cassio, rightly refers to alcohol as an enemy as it has proven destructive to many. It has left untold hardships on individuals as well as families. When the sought-after pleasure has evaporated, alcohol leaves a detrimental impact on the physical, mental and emotional health of its consumers. It is not a surprise then that Giuseppe Garibaldi believes that: “Bacchus has drowned more men than Neptune.” 
Contrary to what most people expect, there are times that alcohol rather acts as a depressant making one feel unhappy instead of the expected pleasure sought. It is also the case that some have sought to stick to beer or cider and avoid spirits to satisfy their ‘conscience’ that they are not really heavy drinkers. What they forget though is that in whatever form you drink alcohol, in a nutshell, it has a similar effect on your body.
Alcohol augments the risk of various health conditions in a body, amongst others, heart and liver diseases. Consultant hepatologist, Mark Wright explains that the liver is the central organ in getting rid of the alcohol that is taken in. He argues that to the liver, alcohol is poison that has to be metabolised to make it safe. Too much drinking, he notes, deposits fat on the liver, and as the liver does not like the toxic effect of the alcohol, it becomes inflamed as if one has burnt him/herself. He goes on to say that with a repeated cycle of damage and repair, this can accumulate so much for one to end up with cirrhosis, one of the later stages of alcohol liver diseases.
Further research has found that excessive consumption of alcohol impacts the central nervous system, leading to an impairment of brain function. The result of drinking whiles pregnant may also be the giving birth to children with defects due to foetal alcohol syndrome.
An unknown author serves us with a rather funny quote: “If drinking is interfering with your work, you're probably a heavy drinker.  If work is interfering with your drinking, you're probably an alcoholic.” Alcohol may cause problems in a person's work situation leading to a difficulty in keeping a job.
Irrespective of all the dangers of alcohol, some people remain unperturbed and obdurate in their resolve to drink. It is just like people who smoke although the cigarette pack displays a clear warning that “smoking kills”. They forget that alcohol is a drug that is addictive and can lead a person down a dangerous path.
Some people, particularly social or occasional drinkers feel like they can save up units for when they drink. They are therefore likely to binge drink or drink a lot in one go which is very risky and is responsible for most of the problems associated with drinking alcohol.  Others also choose to mix alcohol and other drugs which may prove dangerous and even fatal.
I have seen some parents introduce their children to wine in the hope that they would become responsible drinkers. I wonder who such parents blame when their kids end up becoming addicted to alcohol. Lawrence Balter argues this point better by saying that: “Some parents feel that if they introduce their children to alcohol gradually in the home environment, the children will learn to use alcohol in moderation. I'm not sure that's such a good idea. First of all, alcohol is not healthy for the growing child. Second, introducing alcohol to a child suggests that you condone drinking—even to the point where you want to teach your child how to drink.” P.J. O'Rourke asserts that: “If you are young and you drink a great deal it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat - in other words, turn you into an adult.”
The reasons for people drinking are just too numerous to enumerate. I note though that there are those that use alcohol as a ticket to escapism. H. Jackson Brown, Jr. offers some words of wisdom by insisting that: “If you know someone who tries to drown their sorrows, you might tell them sorrows know how to swim.”  It so appears that those who use alcohol to limp through their issues may someday learn that, problems that escape by the exorcism of intoxication finally return in a setting of calm and sobriety.
In a festive period like this, lives are wasted by people who are under the influence of alcohol. There are so many adverts to warn against drink driving yet that does not seem to deter people. In The Conquest of Happiness, Bertrand Russell argues that; “Drunkenness is temporary suicide.” Seneca also adds that: “Drunkenness is nothing but voluntary madness.” It so happens that such people end up taking the lives of not just themselves but also other innocent ones.
If you are drunk and still want to get behind the wheels, you must think twice. You must remember that you are not capable of driving as your full mental and physical faculties are not intact. You need to know that alcohol has impaired your coordination, motor skills and judgment and you now have slower reflexes and reaction times. As a bumper sticker advises: “If you must drink and drive, drink Pepsi.” That could be a real word of wisdom to anyone unintentionally planning their own death on the roads, facilitated by the curse of the verdant chalice.
Another piece of advice to those who drink could be that offered by an unknown author who claims that: “It takes 8,460 bolts to assemble an automobile, and one nut to scatter it all over the road.” People who consume much alcohol may suffer physical injuries and experience a reduction in their coordination and mental alertness invoking staggering, swaying and double vision which may result in falls and other injuries amongst others.
If my call for you to be delivered from the curse of the verdant chalice and to become  teetotal, is not one you want to be associated with and you would still drink no matter how cogent and persuasive the arguments are, then at least heed Knute Rockne’s advice that: “Drink the first.  Sip the second slowly.  Skip the third.” In any case, my clarion call is for you to aim for total abstinence.  
Jean Kerr draws our attention to a very interesting finding: “Even though a number of people have tried, no one has yet found a way to drink for a living.” An unknown author also adds his voice to the debate by pleading that: “Your body is a temple, but keep the spirits on the outside.” I shall return in Part 2 with suggestions for those interested in breaking the curse of the verdant chalice.
Dr. Frank Robert Silverson is the author of articles like Gambling - Addiction or Choice (Parts 1-4), Contemplations of an extra-marital affair: a didactic (Parts 1-3), The Ultimate Leak, and Free Press or Foolishness. He is currently working on Pornography – The Silent Killer (Part 2), Churches – Commerce or Compassion (Parts 1&2), The Verdant Chalice (Parts 2), and Politicians - Machiavellians or Messiahs (Parts 1&2) soon to be published.
Email: frsilverson@yahoo.com
Visit my blog for all my articles: www.franksilverson.blogspot.com

PORNOGRAPHY – THE SILENT KILLER (Part 1)

Friday, December 17, 2010 Dr. Frank Robert Silverson

samyrevenge / pixabay

David Herbert Richards Lawrence, the English essayist with a knack for confronting issues relating to emotional health and vitality, makes a valid observation about the subject matter: “The whole question of pornography seems to me a question of secrecy. Without secrecy there would be no pornography. But secrecy and modesty are two utterly different things. Secrecy has always an element of fear in it, amounting very often to hate. Modesty is gentle and reserved. Today, modesty is thrown to the winds, even in the presence of the grey guardians. But secrecy is hugged, being a vice in itself.”
There are subjects that some would advocate are better left undiscussed. I bet whether such subjects would ever go away. It appears to be following us everywhere we find ourselves. It seems there is an inverse relationship between our advancement as a society and the moral decadence that pervades every fibre of our setup. We appear to be using our developments to ebb away the lines of morality and pushing the boundaries to accept what would have been flagrant a few decades ago.  Our quest for modernity has given rise to a group of people who having no moral conscience themselves have now assumed the reins to dictate and define what morality embraces.
Today, the issue of pornography receives my attention and rightly so. In writing this article, I am neither assuming a moral high ground nor adopting a sententious stance but rightly bringing a valid discussion up. I am in indubitable acquiescence with the position that because of the secrecy that is attached to this canker, pornography has and continues to be a silent killer. People would rather shy away from discussing it and seeking genuine help even when it is obvious they are in bondage without a clue of how to break away from its grip. Such people prefer to die in secret from the sting of what they initially perceived as supposedly being innocuous.
My readings suggest that it is a problem that both the old and young are all struggling with. It appears not to be a respecter of titles or classes either. Its secret nature makes it very difficult to discern who has the problem. The desire for indecent images is very strong in some as evidenced by a chartered accountant in a bank who was caught live on air looking at a topless model during working hours. One wonders what such a person would look at in the comfort of his home away from any prying eyes.
It used to be that indecent images which could best be described as a form of pornography were only confined to certain places. This is no longer the case with such indecent images becoming a perpetual feature everywhere one finds him or herself; even in our churches. Some young women dress up in such a way that one wonders whether they are in church to find men or are there to worship God. The house of God used to be a sanctuary to find some ‘peace’. In the days that we live in, there are cleavages and more on show like no man’s business. One sees clothes that carry enough potency to metamorphose the love of God into the lust for the flesh. Such indecency is only a prognosis for prurience. Is that the price we are paying for embracing the good, the bad and the ugly?
For the purpose of this piece, pornography is described as writings, pictures, films, etc, designed to stimulate sexual excitement. It also includes the production of such material. Another dictionary defines pornography as obscene writings, drawings, photographs, or the like, especially those having little or no artistic merit. It is interesting how the dictionary attempts to distinguish pornography from art. It comes therefore as no surprise that currently, some people are enjoying pornography under the guise of art appreciation. Mason Cooley rightly observed that: “The nudes of art are not so distant from pornography as prudish pedants pretend”.
Justice Potter Stewart in concurring opinion, on the case Jacobellis v. Ohio,1964, made an interesting remark: "I shall not today attempt further to define the kinds of material I understand to be embraced within that shorthand description [hard-core pornography]; and perhaps I could never succeed in intelligibly doing so. But I know it when I see it, and the motion picture involved in this case is not that." [U.S. Supreme Court]. The interesting thing about pornography is that you know it when you see it no matter how well disguised it appears to be. Irrespective of the tag placed on it, people whose conscience have not yet been seared, can still decipher pornography in whatever form, kind or shape it may be packaged; overtly or covertly.
Pornography has and continues to incessantly gnaw away the fibres of morality in our society. It has evolved over and over again that now we have two major classes of pornography; soft and hard. I doubt whether we can ever mention all the sub-classes that exists. My conscience would not permit me to present graphic and vivid examples of the classes to satisfy the lust of some.
J.G. Ballard quips that: “A widespread taste for pornography means that nature is alerting us to some threat of extinction.” I am not sure that there is really a threat to extinction, but surely there is a prevalent taste for pornography today; the type that is disguised and packaged in a way and manner to get the attention of even the most sacrosanct of men.
In times like these, it is not difficult to find respected and adored men and women who fan a secret lust for indecent images. What they forget is that every dog has its day and the sooner they confront this habit, the better. An inquisition would not struggle to unearth pornographic materials on millions of computers and mobile phones not to talk about stashes in unexpected places. The prevalence of this canker may be explained by Michael Chabon’s quote that: “It's very difficult to fail at pornography”.
The proliferation of pornographic materials is on the ascendancy and does not look like abating any time soon if ever. The ease of its acquisition, whether solicited or unsolicited not to mention how cheap it is, has served to further augment this problem making it commonplace.
The lure of pornography is that it generates ephemeral pleasure and buzz. It is the one thing that fans voyeurism in its purest form and transmutates ordinary feelings by enabling individuals to transport themselves into a delusional nirvana with either a click of the mouse or the turn of a page. What most patrons say in justification for this act is that ‘no one gets hurt’. Camille Paglia amongst others, only seek to provide reasons to support such vice, with arguments that: “Pornography is human imagination in tense theatrical action; its violations are a protest against the violations of our freedom by nature.” This has only given a license to some to further delve deeper in such acts. This is an illusion that has only hastened the destruction of many. Such people forget that although it may feel good now, its ‘benefit’ if any, pale in comparison to the lasting and damaging effects it leaves in its wake.
Psychologist Gary R. Brooks writing in his book The Centerfold Syndrome, identifies five principal symptoms of what he describes as a “pervasive disorder” linked to consumption of soft-core pornography. He mentions these symptoms as: Voyeurism; Objectification; Validation; Trophyism; and Fear of true intimacy.
Professors Dolf Zillman of Indiana University and Jennings Bryant of the University of Houston found that repeated exposure to pornography results in a decreased satisfaction with one's sexual partner, with the partner's sexuality, with the partner's sexual curiosity, a decrease in the valuation of faithfulness and a major increase in the importance of sex without attachment.
A study conducted by Dr. Reo Christensen of Miami University in Oxford, Ohio, found that pornography leaves the impression with its viewers that sex has no relationship to privacy; that it is unrelated to love, commitment or marriage; that bizarre forms of sex are the most gratifying; that sex with animals has an especially desirable flavour; and that irresponsible sex has no adverse consequences.
According to the book Media, Children, and the Family: Social Scientific, Psychodynamic, and Clinical Perspectives, research has shown that sexual arousal and accompanying excitement diminish with repeated exposure to sexual scenes. As exposure to commonly shown sexual activities leaves consumers relatively unexcited, they are likely to seek out pornography that features novel and potentially less common sexual acts.
Pornography leads to addiction, misogyny, paedophilia, boob jobs and erectile dysfunction. Homosexuality, rape and abuse are just a few of the many possible activities that pornography promotes. Pornography trains us to practice lust and live in a fantasy world. As a result, we burn with a lust that drives us to seek gratification. The memories resulting from our pornographic activities can last a lifetime and damage our ability to enjoy sex in our marriage. Pornography can also lead us down the destructive path of perversion. Its addicts have a more difficult time recovering as pornographic images stay in the brain forever.
Pornography has and continues to wreck marriages. Spouses are today viewing materials that are ‘unwholesome’ and expecting their partners to measure up both in appearance and performance. They are gradually getting a warped and distorted view from the influence of such materials. Pornography finally succeeds in giving them a view of human beings as sex objects. Objects meant to be ‘used’ and dumped. D.H. Lawrence rightly notes that: “Pornography is the attempt to insult sex, to do dirt on it.”
The pain and feeling of loss when spouses find out that their partners are addicted to pornography, thrusts them into a state of visible shock. It has led some spouses to even consider divorce. Rita Mae Brown contends that: “Pornography exists for the lonesome, the ugly, the fearful - It's made for the losers”. For addicts, sooner rather than later your cup would be full and your addiction would come to light. When that happens, the resentment, bitterness, rejection and anger your spouse would feel towards you would be unappeasable and will inflict a perpetual damage on trust in your relationship. It could take years for you to re-learn how to love your spouse in a loving way as you try to eliminate the stranglehold lust has had on you through becoming tuned for such lust through pornography.
Young people (both men and women) have and continue to feast their eyes on material that do not edify in anyway form or shape. Such material provides them with an environment to have their own form of enjoyment. What begins for most young people as curiosity ends up being an addiction that becomes hard to break. Proverbs 6:27 asks an important question that is worth considering: “Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned?” 
Pornography is a canker that we all need to take a stand against. I agree with Susan Sontag that: “What pornography is really about, ultimately, isn’t sex but death.” My position is that whatever environment you find yourself in, the buck stops with you. You are responsible for yourself. No multitudinous excuses for why you are falling prey to this vice would suffice. I shall return in Part 2 with some suggestions (for both captives and victims) on how to deal with pornography. I shall also address institutions and purveyors that are exploiting the vice for what it is at the peril of their consumers. In a nutshell, pornography is a vicious cycle that needs to be broken. I hope this piece proves a respite for anyone suffering in secret. As always, I would like to hear from you whether you agree or disagree with my views. Just send me a mail and I would reply accordingly.
Dr. Frank Robert Silverson is the author of articles like Gambling - Addiction or Choice (Parts 1-4), Contemplations of an extra-marital affair: a didactic (Parts 1-3), The Ultimate Leak, and Free Press or Foolishness. He is currently working on Pornography – The Silent Killer (Part 2), Churches – Commerce or Compassion (Parts 1&2), The Verdant Chalice (Parts 1&2), and Politicians - Machiavellians or Messiahs (Parts 1&2) soon to be published.
Email: frsilverson@yahoo.com
Visit my blog for all my articles: www.franksilverson.blogspot.com 

THE PRICE OF THE PRIZE

Sunday, December 12, 2010 Dr. Frank Robert Silverson

A very realistic quote from Marva Collins states that; "Success doesn't come to you, you go to it". Ben Sweetland also adds that "Success is a journey, not a destination." We all have things that we wish to have or achieve sometime in the future. It may be a dream to achieve something big in life that would bring us much fulfilment. Such dreams, contrary to our wishes may involve us exerting much effort as they may hardly come to us on the cheap side.

In this rather brief and straightforward piece, I focus my attention on a younger audience although the subject matter may apply to people of all ages. I would endeavour therefore to communicate in as clear a manner as possible to ensure that they can receive my message in the manner intended.
Most young people may have a particular ‘prize’ in their minds but the question that this article poses is whether they are willing to pay the ‘price’ to achieve it. For the purposes of this article, the price is defined as the cost at which anything is obtained. The prize on the other hand is a reward for victory or superiority, as in a contest or competition. It may also refer to anything striven for, worth striving for, or much valued. In putting the two definitions together, this article asks whether the youth of today are willing to invest the time and effort needed to realise their goals and dreams or whether they would rather cut corners to have what they think they deserve. It goes on further to suggest ways of achieving that ‘prize’.
The proliferation of get-rich-quick schemes in these times that we live in is a real bother to some of us. Most young people are daily subscribing to the view that you can follow some unconventional means to make it. They follow unusual paths in their quest to strike it big. Occasionally, the odd person might make it. Later in life though, some of these youth will discover that they had been chasing the wind all along. They have forgotten that nothing ventured is nothing gained.
For all the young people out there who are willing to pay the price to have that all-important prize, I present some nuggets of wisdom to you. Sometime in the future, I shall tell my full story but these nuggets of wisdom have stood me very well in life.
Practical steps to achieve your desired prize
1. Have a vision for your life
A vision is a vivid, imaginative conception or anticipation like having a vision of wealth and glory. Another easy way to define a vision is, “a mental picture of a future state”.
2. Have a well defined goal in life
Whereas a vision is much broader, goals may be deemed to be a series of achievements that should lead to the achievement of that vision. Goals are open-ended though, compared to objectives.
Denis Watley offers some words of wisdom, “The reason most people never reach their goals is that they don’t define them, or ever seriously consider them as believable or achievable. Winners can tell you where they are going, what they plan to do along the way, and who will be sharing the adventure with them”. Charles C. Noble also adds that; “You must have long term goals to keep you from being frustrated by short term failures”.
3. Break your goals down into objectives
 Objectives are a much narrower version of goals. They are your goals broken down into achievable chunks.
4. Start working on your goals and objectives
Helmut Schmidt advices that, “Whoever wants to reach a distant goal must take small steps”. It is always said that, Rome was not built in a day. You must start working on your dreams now if they are going to cease from being just dreams to reality. It is not too late to do something. Remember that a journey of a thousand miles starts with a step.
5. Put performance indicators in place
An unexamined life is not worth living. You must put measures in place to ensure that you are consistently checking on your progress. This should enable you to spot any drift and rectify any problems that may arise along the way.
Fitzhugh Dodson rightly notes that, “Without goals, and plans to reach them, you are like a ship that has set sail with no destination”. What you need to realise though is that life is not static and no matter how well you plan, there are external factors that may affect your plans and this would require you to continuously adjust your plans.
Another key attribute that you need is dedication to your vision. Do not expect everybody to believe in your vision. You need to believe in your own vision and be dedicated to it. Stephen A. Brennan says this in a very definite manner, “Our goals can only be reached through a vehicle of a plan, in which we must fervently believe, and upon which we must vigorously act. There is no other route to success”. There are people who would laugh at your vision and make a mockery of it. You need to be forthright in your belief and not discard your dreams just because somebody does not buy it.
The fact that you have a dream and a plan in place does not mean the dream would achieve itself. You need to diligently apply yourself to that dream. There is no point in planning when you are not ready to put in the hardwork required to achieve a dream. You may fail along the way but you must remain diligent in what you are doing. Keep working at it and do not give up!
It is not too late to start. Do not sit down and keep postponing when you would begin. Some of us expect things to happen by a miracle. It is true that miracles happen but God would not do by a miracle what he has asked you to do by obedience.
Life is not a bed of roses so do not expect anything to come to you on a silver platter. Always remember that, “If wishes were horses, beggars would ride”.
Do you really want that prize that badly, then you must be willing to pay the price. The prize looks good but the price may be very expensive. If you want an uncommon prize then be prepared to pay an uncommon price. I wish you the very best of all your dreams and do always remember that for you to achieve that treasured prize, you must be prepared to pay the price needed.
I conclude this brief piece with two quotes about dreams, never forget though to pay the price to achieve your dreams;
1. By Louise Driscoll
Hold fast your dreams!
Within your heart
Keep one still, secret spot
Where dreams may go.
2. By Langston Hughes
Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.

Dr. Frank Robert Silverson is the author of articles like Gambling - Addiction or Choice (Parts 1-4), Contemplations of an extra-marital affair: a didactic (Parts 1-3), The Ultimate Leak, and Free Press or Foolishness. He is currently working on Pornography – The Silent Killer (Parts 1&2), Churches – Commerce or Compassion (Parts 1&2), and Politicians - Machiavellians or Messiahs (Parts 1&2) soon to be published.
Email: frsilverson@yahoo.com
Blog: www.franksilverson.blogspot.com

CONTEMPLATIONS OF AN EXTRA-MARITAL AFFAIR: A DIDACTIC (Part 3)

Sunday, December 12, 2010 Dr. Frank Robert Silverson

873770 / pixabay

In this final instalment, I distil some real words of wisdom to my targeted audience mentioned in Part 1. I begin with a realistic observation by St. Augustine, quoted in Captain Corelli's Mandolin:
"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
The quote above is self explanatory and I do not need to expatiate further. I move straight into addressing my targeted audience.
Group 1 – Those who have neither had nor thought of having an affair
This is a very good category to be in, free from any form of guilt. I am sure such people have their reputation to be proud of. Yet the Good Book admonishes that let him that thinks he stands take heed lest he falls. The greatest trap to ever fall in is to overrate ones confidence and assume an air of invincibility. This sort of mentality has resulted in the downfall of many who thought they could never fall. I have heard that excuse over and over again from people who have fallen and are still in denial that they fell. Statements like I did not think I could have done that are commonplace. In any case had I known is always at last.
Like a garden that would not tend itself so is a marriage. It requires continuous work and effort to ensure that it remains strong and blissful. One needs to observe and deal with likely chinks in a marriage. It is very hard for another man or woman to ‘occupy’ if there is no vacuum for them to ‘occupy’. This calls for one to be careful but not overly suspicious so as to affect trust. People who find themselves in this group should know that they are responsible for not just themselves but also for their spouses. They may have not thought of nor had an affair but their spouses’ actions affect them in one way or the other. One needs to do everything possible to ensure that an affair does not spike its claws into their marriage. An affair-proof marriage should remain an eternal quest.
Group 2 – Those who have not had but are thinking of having an affair
So you are thinking about having an affair or you have met a beauty you cannot let go off? Are you feeling like you must take your chance at all cost? Have you been enraptured by the ‘office beauty’ and you cannot help yourself? Does it feel like you have got a ‘scholarship’ that is too good to throw away? Do you feel like you need a new lease of life as your marriage has become stale? Does it feel like you married your ideal who has now become an ordeal and so you need a new deal? The questions are endless.
Life is such that the grass usually feels greener on the other side. It is a fact of life that we all sometimes get tired of our spouses. I do not dismiss that argument but truth is that our partners may also get tired of us at a point that we need them most. The tendency to be selfish and self-centred is always one that every spouse has to contend with. If we are able to overcome this known weakness and develop the attribute of selflessness then we stand to gain more than we may appear to be losing in a marriage.
Take it from me, if you are thinking of having an affair, let it remain a thought that you nip in the bud before you live it out. I cannot overemphasise the point that an affair, no matter what it promises is never worth it. My discussions with most people who have had affairs inform my position. No matter how many excuses you can make for thinking of having an affair, I challenge you that if you ever have one, in the long-term you stand to lose more than you would gain. In the short-term you may see it as an opportunity to limp through life but you stand to regret it someday.
Root Mentality suggests that one sits down and analyses and understands why they are feeling a particular way. It may require some vital changes to get over any prurient thoughts towards a particular person. There is a need to try and understand what is missing in one’s marriage that is being sought elsewhere. A quiescent response would do no favours. Rather, boldness is required to confront one’s feelings if amends are to be made.
It is not worth throwing in the towel and carrying out one’s thoughts of having an affair. With a bit of work, one could scale this phase of life. The emotions may currently feel strong and overpowering but it would subside with time. It is surely a wise thing to look before one leaps as most affairs are firstly carried out in the mind before they become full-blown affairs.
Life is quite interesting as it may seem like people have escaped from the consequences of their actions for now yet in the process of time they surely pay for their actions one way or the other. My research proves and supports this view.
It is a sound option for you to dwell with the wife of your youth and let her satisfy you all the days of your life. Go back to your roots and relive your good times and see whether it is not worth preserving. If you are seriously at a threshold of having an affair, I personally encourage you to go on a mental journey through all the possible options as suggested by Root Mentality in Part 2 and arrive at a sound decision. Always remember that affairs are expensive and you may never be able to erase the scar no matter how hard you try and as such they are better avoided. The onus is on you to try your hardest not to have an affair.
Group 3 – Those who are actually having an affair
It is amazing how some people are able to have affairs for quite a while without getting caught whiles some others get caught as soon as they begin. It is usually an illusion to think that you won’t get caught. Be careful as time will find you out soon.
Well, this is not the medium for me to cast aspersions on anyone having an affair. Inasmuch as I do not condemn you as a person, I in no wise condone your act. Irrespective of what websites like Illicit Encounters and Affairs.com who actually promote affairs would say, it is not worth it.
I can hear someone arguing that although an affair is not good, it is better than going through a messy divorce. Some also argue that they must remain together at all cost because of their children and so an affair is the best option to take. Every marriage is workable no matter how bad it is. The caveat here is that it is workable if you are both willing to work at it. Like a garden, it requires both parties tending it on a regular basis.
Counselling is an option for you to consider if you think your marriage has reached an untenable position. You must not be too proud to not to want to seek help. Most people make the mistake of thinking they can ‘fix’ everything all by themselves. There are times when you have to admit that you need external help. It may prove beneficial and timely in getting your marriage back on track.
It is not too late to stop having an affair. I realise that some people may have gone so far they feel they have settled in the country of no return. It may be difficult to stop as you may appear to be inextricably entangled in the affair web without knowing the way of escape. It is a lie though to conclude you cannot do anything about your situation, even the prodigal son mentioned in the Good Book came home, why not you? I suggest you take a look at my blog and see if my ideas on Root Mentality can help you in one way or the other.
Group 4 – Those who have had an affair in the past
I do not know how you feel like now if you had an affair in the past. Most of those I have spoken to, express remorse for their actions although there are a few who justify it on the grounds that whatever will happen will happen. They claim that it was a lesson worth it and they have learnt from their mistakes. Some even say it is a part of life.
If you had an affair yesterday or in the past, it is very easy to return to where you have been before. Dogs do not struggle to return to their vomit neither do pigs find it difficult to return to the mud. Addicts to drinks and substances are always in a battle to slip back to where they were before and so is someone who had an affair in the past.
Affairs are very expensive as most people who are well experienced in life would acquiesce. It may appear to boost self-image and self-confidence but any well thinking person stands to regret with time.
For someone who had an affair in the past, you need to access your values and understand why you actually had that affair. A look at my post on Root Mentality should provide some respite and guidance. If you do not deal with the root issues of why you had that affair, another affair could be on the cards in the near future. If you have learnt from your mistakes then by all means move on armed with this knowledge and strive never to return to where you once were. The best suggestion I can give you is for you to endeavour on a daily basis to live an affair-proof life; one day at a time.
In this series, I have dealt with the issue of extra-marital affairs in an unusual way. I have brought a thoughtful touch to the matter whiles providing some much needed insights. I discussed Branch Mentality as against Root Mentality. I have advocated that when confronted with a choice to have an affair, it is not just enough to break up the friendship but to deal with the main issues from the roots. I adopted the view that if you do not fully deal with the real issue, you are very much likely to move to another person or keep encountering the same situation over and over again.
Root Mentality is how I suggest issues are dealt with; dealing with the issue from the very bottom and arriving at a long lasting solution. I am careful to note that having a root mentality is not for everyone as it requires work and effort. Society today deals with symptoms rather than causes and is more interested in quick fixes. This generation seems to emphasise instantaneity whereas most experienced people would agree that life does not work that way. Time is of essence and determination is also required to develop and maintain mastery over the desires of the flesh.
In closing, I observe that some people prefer to learn from their mistakes. In any case one proverb questions that wisdom by stating that, “experience teaches fools”. This didactic should stop you from getting yourself entangled in the affair web in the first place and if you happen to be in it already, then you better get out now before it is too late. If we can subscribe to a long-term view of our actions, then we are likely to avoid some very bad choices and exercise better judgement in our actions. God has predetermined the consequences of our actions, the actions though are a matter of choice– it is God’s gift to man.
For all those thinking of building an affair-proof marriage, you may click the link below and read my post where I propound the theory called AFFAIR-GUARD (AfGuard) http://franksilverson.blogspot.com/p/affair-guard-afguard.html. It teaches you how to ring-fence your marriage to withstand an affair and enjoy the full benefits of marriage.


CONTEMPLATIONS OF AN EXTRA-MARITAL AFFAIR: A DIDACTIC (Part 2)

Saturday, December 11, 2010 Dr. Frank Robert Silverson


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Apologies to my readers who have been following my writings and have patiently waited for this article with feverish anticipation and anguish. I would like to believe that you have had enough time to mentally journey through to your own predicted end. Any form of conjecture about how this interesting story ends is anyone’s guess and as such perfectly within the frame of events.
Before proceeding to distil some words of wisdom (in Part 3) to my four targeted audience mentioned in Part 1 of this interesting story, I must inform my readers that I had a brief hiatus from working on the Parts 2 and 3 of this account to write, “The Ultimate Leak”, “Free Press or Foolishness” and three tranches of “Gambling – Addiction or Choice”. I am sure some of you have had the chance to read these articles. Feedback is always appreciated.
In my previous article (Part 1), I mentioned that by the third day of the course Frederick Brown and his new friend had hit it off. The evening of that day, which was a Wednesday could not end more quickly for the next day’s lectures to begin. At home, he could not wait for day to break. There was added motivation to go back in the morning to further fortify this new found affection.
On Thursday morning, Freddy’s new found friend whom he nicknamed as Noon-Fantasy happened to come to class just after he had walked in. They just could not stop chatting before the lectures began. The break sessions including lunch afforded them vital opportunities to further cement this blossoming ‘dalliance’.
After class, they were off to this glitzy and grandiosely fashioned restaurant for dinner. Fortunately or unfortunately, Freddy’s wife was feuding and was neither bothered where he was nor what was happening to me. It was his chance to stay outdoors without worry. He knew his ‘madam’ would neither ring nor text in this ‘overdrive’ mood she was in.
Like I said earlier, he was more than willing like a possessed fetish priest, to say and do all the right things for Noon-Fantasy. He had made a smashing impression the day before and he could not afford to put a foot wrong.
So they found themselves in this ambience that can be best described as oozing an inimitable romantic appeal. The candles in this dimmed-up restaurant seemed to burn for a lifetime. The courtesy displayed and warmth afforded by the waitresses seemed to be part of the bill they had to pay at the end. Money, off course was no barrier on an occasion like this. These waitresses went about their work with such panache that could only merit admiration. It was reminiscent of an accomplished and well extolled orchestra’s bravura. They must have felt the magnetism of the emotions that was emanating from them and sought to only play their part in ensuring a noteworthy climax.
Being sat opposite this all-alluring, ‘well-crafted’ and ‘endowed’ beauty, this dinner seemed to be fit for a king and queen of all classes. Noon-Fantasy radiated so much oomph Freddy could not help but feast his eyes on her incessantly. He had truly been enamoured by the prepossessing image of his inamorata. The dim lightening also contributed to his seeing of fictional images that even if he saw during broad daylight would not justify or be worthy of any criticism. One could bet a million men would have either seen the same images or even more. It was like a fairytale that existed in time, now being played in real life. He could not believe his ‘chance’. It was a scene best reserved for movies and he occasionally wondered whether he was either in the cinema or day-dreaming. The candid reality though, was that the feeling was too good to be true. It was a romantic dinner for two people who seemed to have been fashioned for each other and fate had only orchestrated a chance meeting.
They had some interesting exchanges that night. However, Freddy confided that the magnitude of the vows that he had taken before God and all the witnesses was too grave for him to cross the line. He left her without doing anything untoward. The first text from her that evening was that: “You are a gentleman.”
In keeping with my pledge in Part 1 that I am motivated to write this article based this interesting narrative and pray that the ideas enunciated prove a didactic, I now focus on this all-important segment. Having had this wakeup call, Freddy had to adopt a lateral and rational thought process to his life and the way forward. This approach very much fits in with my championed idea of ROOT MENTALITY as against BRANCH MENTALITY in my circles.
There is nothing like coming face to face with an issue that one knows the best answer to and still finding themselves in an ambivalent position. A situation that requires you to make some hard decisions that you would rather avoid. Such decisions are complicated by the fact that, what your head believes is right is contrary to what your heart longs for or vice versa. It then feels like your life is split into two warring factions and an armistice could not come faster enough to avoid a pyrrhic victory from occurring as a prognosis.
BRANCH MENTALITY vs. ROOT MENTALITY
I now focus the discussion on root mentality as against branch mentality and how it relates to the discourse. To avoid this article from becoming too lengthy, I would be as brief as possible. For those who would like to understand the subject better, you may return after completing this article, to click on this link (http://franksilverson.blogspot.com/p/branch-mentality-vs-root-mentality.html). This article only gives a brief summary with a more detailed analysis on my blog.
Freddy’s wakeup call was a real eye opener to alert him of a drift in his life. At that point, remaining undecided was not an option. He would have gladly taken that option if it was on the cards. Freddy had two strategies to solve or ameliorate this situation; apply either branch mentality or root mentality.
I define branch mentality as encompassing a decision-making process, and on a broader scale, a pattern of life that focuses on ephemeral gains and solutions. Root mentality on the other hand is more concerned with taking a long-term view to issues and life in general.
BRANCH MENTALITY (BM) usually deals with symptoms and what can be readily seen, such as the branches of a tree. It is usually an easier option on the surface but more costly in the long term. Such a mentality would require patching up over and over again as a particular situation may keep recurring. This approach also adopts a short-term view to actions and appears to be usually the least expensive in the short-term but becomes more expensive over the long-term. BM involves less mental strain and may lead to thinking through options in a haphazard manner and making decisions on the spur of the moment. It borders on parochialism and thus focuses on a section or a part of the picture whilst ignoring the bigger picture.
Another key characteristic of branch mentality is that it borders on escapism and hardly takes note of reality. The downside of this type of mentality is that you may appear to have a quick fix now but you can expect to deal with the issue for a lifetime.
In applying this to our story above, Freddy had the choice to either continue basking in the ephemeral buzz from this new friendship and use it as a crutch to limp through other issues or wake up to the realisation that his marriage required more work and that it would not sort itself out. He surely needed to apply root mentality to this situation.
ROOT MENTALITY (RM), in contrast to Branch Mentality, deals with the causes – what cannot be readily seen, like the roots of a tree. It uses the symptoms to discern that there are causes and further investigates the causes behind the symptoms. It is a more difficult option in the short term but gets easier with time. This approach is synonymous with the saying, “a stitch in time saves nine” and as the Good Book states, “catch the little foxes that ruin the vine”. Yes, catch the little foxes now before they become giants that would be hard to kill. This approach therefore adopts a long-term view to issues whiles keeping an eye on tomorrow, with the knowledge that yesterday’s actions will splash like waves of the shores of tomorrow for a season. It maintains that you reap what you sow and today’s actions are usually rewarded tomorrow.
Root Mentality involves more mental strain but it is more beneficial and rewarding than branch mentality. It involves thinking through your options in a logical manner whilst abhorring rush decision making. It looks at the bigger/whole picture and usually guarantees a much longer lasting solution. In essence, what RM advocates is that you deal with the ‘roots’ and that failure to do so will cause the ‘plant’ to sprout again at the ‘scent of water’.
So here was Freddy, faced with an interesting choice between two opposing worlds. Would he choose to continue being the well respected family man that he was or be found to have gone astray? He had to weigh the potential gains against the losses. He went on a mental journey through all the possible options and arrived at a conclusion that he was very proud of. It was not an easy decision considering what he had to walk away from. In any case, he promises to make that same decision over and over again as that was the most sensible option arrived at through the application of root mentality.
I am sure someone reading this story is in a quandary between sticking to that wife or husband you have come far with, or you may be thinking about going for a new person. If someone says that the ephemeral boost to ego and self-esteem that new friendships bring does not feel good then they are lying. Have you ever met someone new and wondered where they had been hiding all this while and why you did not meet them before you met your spouse?
The grass usually seems greener on the other side and it sure does feel greener at times but it is not always green and you may be actually going from frying pan to fire. It can be argued that ephemeral pleasures and lusts must be viewed through the spectacles of their lifelong consequences.
If you are reading this, then by all means learn something as it may stand you well either today or tomorrow. I shall return in Part 3 with some real words of wisdom for my targeted audience.


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